Pure as Snow: A desire for Emotions
by Jun Hiroshi
Summary: Mello dropped his hands from my shoulders and stared deep into my eyes that must have looked like a black well to him now. I felt his piercing stare, trying to depict what was going on, what my true look was... Near's POV. MxN. yaoi. Rated M for a reason.
1. A desire for Emotions

Title: Pure as Snow: A desire for Emotions

A Death Note Doujinshi Oneshot

Pairing: Mello x Near

**EDIT:** February 6, 2009: I have modified this story and correted some of my errors. It's still the same story and the plot has not been changed at all. The only thing I did was change my misspelled and accidently wrongly typed words and rephrased some stuff; it's barely noticable. :)

_**Disclaimer:**_ _In no way will I ever be able to own Death Note or Death Note's content. If I did, it would have the yaoi smexiness all fangirls desire._

_**Warning:**__ This fanfic is rated _M_ for mature audiences._

Yaoi_ is coming ahead, meaning _guys with guys_. If you do not want to read about _

_male x male relationships, __read no further__! _I cannot stress this fact enough.

I shall have you know, once again, that this is in fact,_ yaoi._

Now here's my first yaoi oneshot for those who have read the above and are still here!  
^o^

- + -

**"Pure as Snow: A desire for Emotions"**

Wammy's House; Midnight

Near's POV

_'Once again, I lay awake, hoping he would come again tonight, but alas, he never arrives. Two nights ago the chocolate-addicted blonde snuck into my room for some type of punishment. He told me to suffer and bleed; I swore he wished for my death. I had thought of all the possibilities of why he would want me dead and came up with many conclusions, but at the top of my list was his need to be superior; to be Number One.  
I believed that to be the cause of it all, yet I embraced it with open arms._

_'For the strawberry blonde to come out on top would put an end to all of our games, and I couldn't let that happen. I needed him; I needed to feel. Whether I ended up dead or in pain did not matter, all I wanted was to feel some type of emotion. Since I was very young, I have never been able to express or feel anything, how I hungered for it, uncaring about the type of feeling that would appear before me. My health does not matter._

_'Maybe I needed to start provoking the chocoholic to return him to my room. Only then would he try and prove that he was the dominate one, oblivious to the fact that I control his actions. He was very predictable because of all his uncontrollable emotions that surged through his veins, making him an easy target to manipulate._

_'Enough with all this rambling, I need to sleep if I'm ever going to be able to focus tomorrow.' _As I fell into a deep slumber, I dreamt of being tied up, gagged, and blind-folded in an unknown room somewhere hidden. But I wasn't alone. There was someone else trapped there with me who I could hear breathing heavily right next to where I sat. I didn't know who he was but I sensed that he had the ability to speak without a gag in his mouth from the feeling of his breath on my cold skin. We sat there for hours without anyone to save us; no one had entered the room.

- + -

At breakfast I searched for the blonde's close friend, a red-head named Matt who always stood out because of his obsessive nature to play loud video games. Wherever Mello went, Matt was sure to follow. Since Matt was an easier target, it would take less time for him to lead me to Mello rather than to look for him myself. Sadly, I couldn't spot the red-head in the endless crowd of Wammy's house orphans, nor could I find Mello.

In defeat, I chose to sit alone at an empty table near a large window. Snow fell in large balls, blanketing the landscape in a thick sheet of pure white. That's when I found an error in the snow's perfection, large footprints marked a trail leading up to two orphans dusting off a bench. One of the boys had bright red hair and the other was a petite blonde.

I felt my whole body shake with something that I couldn't name, but it was in fact, something I normally lacked; emotion. Before I finished my breakfast, I hurriedly ran outside, not even bothering to put on a coat, and met up with the two boys that had gone astray.

Both of them either didn't notice that I had appeared or were ignoring my small footfalls upon the fluffy snow. For a while I didn't say a word, just watching the two friends clear off the bench and throw a little snow every now and then was all right for me. Then I decided I had waited long enough for them to show some sign of acknowledgement towards my presence, so I sucked in a small breath of cold air to show that I was there.

Matt was the first to notice which led Mello to turn around quickly to see who had caught the two of them outside. When he saw that it was me, he glared and turned fully to face my front.

"What the fuck are you looking at?"

"Mello…" Matt's voice showed a little bit of what he felt towards the blonde's ill treatment to others, but he would never go against Mello completely. He was only a sidekick.

"Shut up." Mello told the red-head with nothing short of an angry hiss.

Matt looked at me with sorrow in his eyes for all of Mello's childish mistreatment and rude behavior that he always forced on everyone else, especially me.

"So what the hell do you think you're doing, huh?" came out Mello's anger through his tone and poor choice of words.

_'See? He's just that easy.'_ I thought to myself, _'I didn't even need to provoke him, all I have to do now is stay as quiet as I've always been. The small twinge of feeling will soon follow just by my uncaring __façade towards Mello. It's always worked before.'_

I could see Mello's anger grow into a furious heat as I kept silent and motionless. His ears were tinted a small pink, not just from the cold, but by how he disliked my lack of emotion just as much as I dislike it.

Suddenly, the blonde's arms reached out to me and gave my shoulders several forceful shakes fueled by my all-but-innocent silence. "SPEAK DAMNIT!!" screamed Mello with a thick smog of hate and a tone that went as loud as he could manage to throw at me. "WHY THE HELL WON'T YOU SPEAK?"

I felt a huge feeling of accomplishment by Mello's reaction and tried my best not to smile. Now was not the time to express what I felt, I should only memorize this feeling and hold it close. It's the only way to truly gain any emotion and add to my emotionless-self.

"Mello! Stop!" cried Matt as he tried prying Mello off of me. "Knock it off! Now!"

But the blonde didn't listen to his friend,_ 'Oh no, that's not something a friend should do now is it?' _I thought to myself in a joking manner, I did have some form of humor, I just didn't always know how to bring it forth. Should I voice this thought? _'No… It's best not to, they would both realize how strange I am. Also, it would be obvious that I saw all of Mello's attempts at getting me to speak as a joke as well as a simple game to play.'_

But then something changed in Mello's face, in his expression, a new feeling had come to him. Was it confusion? Shock?_ 'Yes,'_I agreed._ 'I think it is, but why?'_

Then I realized that Matt too, looked to be quite flabbergasted as well.

I didn't understand until I realized that a smile had slid by and managed to knit itself into my face because of the humor I had for this picture just now. Quickly, I hid back into my emotionless façade, but the change didn't help this situation, it looked as if this difference confused them as well.

Mello dropped his hands from my shoulders and stared deep into my eyes that must have looked like a black well to him now. I felt his piercing stare, trying to depict what was going on, what my true look was, but he would definitely fail. There was no way he would realize the truth behind my mask; it constantly conceals all that I am or could ever possibly be inside from everyone. But still, I could see Mello's mind racing to find an explanation in my features.

Finally, he gave up with a sigh that followed with a frown that was unfit for Mello. "Whatever you're trying to hide inside yourself will eventually burst out if you keep it locked-up for so long." Then with that being said, Mello left me in the snow and Matt followed after.

"Wait up!" cried the abandoned Matt.

Never had I actually felt this numb or scared before. Another emotion, but for once, this was not a feeling that I wished to keep. "Mello…" I looked up at the sky as I began to shiver, and something happened that I would never have imagined would happen to someone like me. Slowly, a small tear fell down and slid down my cheek, followed by more tears until a flood came pouring out with shaking sobs. "M- Mello…!" I cried out up to the sky as I fell down to the snow-covered land. My arms fell loosely to my sides and I fell face-forward into the cold, soft blanket. I didn't dare move; my consciousness was beginning to fade away into nothing.

_- + -_

When I woke up, I was in a bed rather than outside in the pouring snow. I didn't want to open my eyes to the day; I didn't want to open myself up at all. All I wished for was to stay locked-up into the façade that I had created for myself so I didn't have to face life. Only then did I ever find peace inside myself, small tormenting dreams, thoughts, or anything didn't matter when I was hidden away.

But there was something that kept me from going completely into my barrier from the world, something that was too close not to notice. So I decided to open my eyes and see what lied in front of me, Mello, the human ball of complete emotion.

His head was face-down next to me on the pillow I rested my head upon. I felt his breath on my face, showing me that he wasn't afraid not to be gagged, to be able to speak, and to be able to show people that he lived with each breath that passed in and out of his lungs. All of his signs of being human were contrary to my own being, but I couldn't help wanting to be as free as him, as easily exposed as he is. Mello was someone that I could always lean on if I wanted to become his friend. If he had been my friend I bet he would be someone who would stay trapped with me until I could be free, until I could speak.

But I wasn't ready to become that close to him just yet, my game wasn't completely finished yet and it just screamed on for an encore. So I fed my demons more fire to burn the wood, something that Mello would hate must of all.

As he woke up I closed my eyes and gave him a small kiss on the lips. Now he would never forgive me and I could go on with my game, but to my surprise, he didn't react the way I thought he would.

When I pulled away from Mello's lips and opened my eyes, his orbs were wide next to mine, but he didn't yell at me, hit me, or call me names like I thought he would. Instead he calmed himself a little and kissed me back with a small peck; now I was the shocked one.

"Mello?" I asked a little confused.

He smiled back at me with something I didn't understand. "Sleeping Beauty spoke," he said, "and with a twist! Turns out this one likes to assault others when they're sleeping." Mello laughed and started to sit up, but I pulled him back down and rolled on top of him.

I didn't speak, but I didn't need to either. All I needed was to feel something new, something that wouldn't cause me pain. I leaned down and closed my eyes, then gave Mello a kiss. It was meant to be small, but it didn't turn out that way.

Then Mello pulled me down so our chests touched and his hands rested firmly on my waist. He opened my mouth somehow with his and our tongues met.

There was a taste of chocolate and something sweeter but I was too afraid to sink in these new waters.

I think Mello must have sensed my fear of exposure and took my hand to place it on his hair. Then he made a motion with my fingers so that I was forced to twirl his locks for comfort.

When I felt a little better, I felt my body start to become hot from Mello's chocolate kisses. I pulled back a little and my tongue was released. "M-Mello…" Now I took his hand and placed it over my rapidly thumping heart. "I don- I don't understand."

Then Mello smiled warmly up at me, took my hand, and placed it on his own heart. I felt his heart run races through my hand. "I do." He rolled over so that now I was on the bottom and he was on top of me. His lips touched my skin gently as they went down to my stomach.

"Nnn… M- Mello?" I felt his breath hot with steam, and his tongue, slicked with saliva and playing with my naval. "Ahh…!" My body was now pulsing with fire as I felt him move about on top of me. When I couldn't take this constant teasing anymore I decided that I would take charge once again, but this time without manipulation. I took his hand in mine gently and slid it down my pants to where my lower member could be felt.

This time Mello was the shocked one. "N-Near?" He looked up at me now with a little concern. "Are you sure?"

I nodded slowly and released his hand. "P- Please, M- Mello?"

This got him more excited than I had expected and he proceeded to stroke what was once hidden beneath my pants but now exposed to his sight. I could see that he wanted more than just to see me as excited as him, so I chose to experiment.

Slowly, I reached down Mello's pants as I felt his lips on my lower area and flinched a little, but still I continued to reach for Mello's erected member. As I felt Mello make a pumping motion with mine I did the same with his in hopes that it would excite him just as much as his actions excited me.

"Hah... Haa…" Mello was panting, as was I.

I felt like I was ready to burst like Mello had said before in the snow and wondered to myself in this clouded state of mind if he did too. Just then I felt a strong pull, and let out several uncontrollable moans as I felt something pour out of my lower self. Mello probably felt the same because the same actions happened to him right when it happened to me.

Now both of us were covered in white goo, but it wasn't as pure as the snow.

-End-

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed typing it. My original idea was completely different than how it turned out; I wanted to create a bondage scene. Lol. Oh, well, cute and 'impure' is fun as well. ;]

Since I really like it, I might make a sequel, but probably not because I've already gave it an ending but you never know…

I hope you read more of stories and review. Thank you!


	2. A desire to be Loved

Title: Pure as Snow: A desire for Emotions

Second Part: "A desire to be Loved"

A Death Note Doujinshi Oneshot

Pairing: Mello x Near

_**Disclaimer:**_ _In no way will I ever be able to own Death Note or Death Note's content. If I did, it would be unacceptable for normal societies, unless it was populated of only fangirls/fanboys._

_**Warning:**__ This fanfic is rated _M_ for mature audiences._

Yaoi_ is coming ahead, meaning _guys with guys_. If you do not want to read about _

_male x male relationships, __read no further__! _I cannot stress this fact enough.

I shall have you know, once again, that this is in fact,_ yaoi._

Now here's my first yaoi oneshot for those who have read the above and are still here!  
^o^

- + -

**Part Two: "A desire to be Loved"**

Wammy's House; 10:45 PM

Near's POV

After Mello and I had finished from what we both had done, I quickly fell asleep in his arms, but when I awoke, he was gone; A masked phantom never to be seen again. Somehow, I knew that we could never be together; we have always been way too far apart, both personality-wise and in our current public relationship as enemies and rivals. No one would ever know what had happened earlier today, no one would ever know how Mello had caused me to act, and no one could ever imagine how it felt being with him. Only me. But is that really such a good thing? To know what it feels like to be abandoned? I wouldn't know. Of course, number one in Wammy's has a lack of emotion and understanding of natural human behavior but can calculate complex problems when it comes to school education. Sometimes I wished they would teach me how to feel.

As I watched as the numbers ticked by on the clock above the dresser, I began to relive the experience I had with Mello as my eyelids closed and he appeared inside my dreams. At least that's what happened when I was half-asleep, but once I fell into my deepest state of unconsciousness that memory began to fade into something more horrible than I had wanted.

We were not together like before; in fact we were both locked up somewhere cold and dark. I couldn't see anything through the darkness, but I could feel him close to me. His breath graced upon my naked chest as I tried to reach out to him but it was a foolish attempt, fore my wrists were bound. I realized then that it wasn't 'we' that was trapped but rather just me… alone.

My stomach tingled at the touch of his tongue against my skin but a stench of disgust crawled out too, consuming me whole. _'I think this feeling might also bring me fear, but I'm not quite sure. Is this really just one emotion? Is this really an emotion at all? Why would he-… Then again, this was not the Mello that I craved for and definitely not the type of Mello that had been with me on the infirmary's twin bed. This is not Mello. This is not Mello… this is not Mello…_'

The imposter began to pull down his black leather pants, exposing himself to me, but before the fake Mello could leave any further displeasure upon my being, I awoke at the sound of my own screaming. "MELLO!" I cried out to the empty room as tears fell down my pale cheeks. "M- MELLO…!!!" I began to sob and yell out but no one heard me, just the walls. No one even cared to check up on me while I conformed myself into a small ball of sadness and hurt. No one would really care about me, just their 'number one'. The me who cries now does not exist to them.

- + -

When I awoke for the third time, I had decided to finally get up and walk around for a bit. My legs felt wobbly and unstable, just like a new born taking their first steps. Then I asked the nurse who was at her desk what time it was and with shocked eyes, she told me it was noon and that she had forgotten I was back there. Apparently three days had gone by while I slept and awoke to those horrible thoughts and conclusions to what was happening to me. Why did I always go unnoticed whether I made my self scarce or not? I guess I just wasn't that important.

Then I took my leave from the infirmary to my room where there was a private bathroom. I figured since it had been three days I should take a shower first, and then eat; I needed the energy badly. As I walked down the halls to my room I barely noticed that I had walked past a particular blonde who was unknowingly called to my attention throughout the night.

"Hey!" He yelled and without a flinch, I turned around to face the loud yellow-haired boy with forever-endless blue eyes.

First, I stared blankly at him for a second, wondering if he had any hidden motives up his black sleeves. Then I realized it would be too strange of me to just stand there staring at him like a brain-dead mental patient, so I turned away from his eyes and went on to go my opposite way.

"HEY!" Mello screamed out loud; I was afraid he would bring down the whole orphanage.

But he held no true interest in me. _'Did he?'_ Mello, my yellow-headed rival, would and could never love me. _'What was that about three days ago? Did he believe he loved me then?'_ I silently shook my head to myself and continued to walk down the hall. _'No, he would never. It's all just a game.'_

"NEAR!!"

Still, I didn't turn back to face him.

"GOD DAMMIT! GET YOUR PALE LITTLE ASS OVER HERE!!" Heads turned at his booming voice.

Without his acknowledgement I began to feel a slight accomplishment, making him angry was still just as easy as before but I didn't dare smile to myself because it would raise much suspicion of my emotionless _façade_.

"GOD DAMN HOMO!"

That's what hit me critically; what caused me to stop right in my tracks. I didn't think anyone noticed, it was only a small change, but a tear crawled down hopelessly and unstoppable down my cheek.

Then I ran. I ran as fast as I could, away from him, away from the orphans, away from everything. I couldn't handle something like that, it hit too close to home and I knew it. I already discovered what I was; a homosexual.

My head faced the floor, I rushed past all children, frightening them all, then I heard someone call:

"NEAR!!"

It sounded strange, irregular. _'What has changed?'_ Small panting escaped through my clenched teeth. _'I can't let this break me. Review the facts, Near. That's the only thing that is true about everything, facts, only facts. Opinions and perceptions do not matter to cases, nor do they reach truth. Think facts. Facts.'_

"NEAR!!"

I closed my eyes, _'Think Near, facts. Mello is an uncontrolled fiery child who has no hold on his emotions. He does not think clearly and is blinded by his anger and selfish feelings. He is not able to process facts clearly as I do and releases too much emotion to be able to understand at times. But he can be kind. He can be himself. He can be whatever he wants to be; unlike me.'_

Loud, thunderous steps raced to catch up to my light footfalls. _'Eventually they will match up to mine, just like a graph. If Mello is running at x mph, he will reach…'_

"GOD DAMN YOU, NEAR! STOP!!!"

Then SMACK! His hand held strongly onto my shoulders, our bodies pressed against each other into a corner of Wammy's that couldn't be seen, but it didn't matter because the other children had somehow disappeared.

"M- Mello?" My eyes were raised in shock I could not hide from this person.

His breathing pattern was rough and hard. "Why didn't you stop?" He asked with no anger, the Mello of three nights past had appeared once again.

I did not answer, nor could I look at him. Instead, I looked at my white socks and his dark brown one's. There was no pattern on either of our socks, but his was loosening and a hole would soon appear in the side of his sock.

"Near…" He sighed and his eyes drooped as he said my name with such an intensity that caused me to blush. I noticed his face was barely a few centimeters away from my own before he laid his head tiredly on my shoulder, his hands dropped.

"M- Mello?" I tried wiggling away but he was too heavy.

"Please, just let me lay here for a while."

I looked up sky-ward to the white ceiling above us. I wished this moment wouldn't be our last, but that's just wishful thinking. We would go back to the same routine after this, no changes would be made.

With a sigh I rested my hand on the top of his head and thought I could feel him smile against my neck.

If I had one day with Mello as mine, to not be a competitor but a lover, I would live forever in bliss.

- + -

As I lay in my bed I try not to have unsettling, troubling thoughts cross my mind again. Tomorrow would bring another day off the calendar, something I wanted badly; that pure snow just loved to mock me and I wished for spring. With all its purity, it only proves how impure I am, that white isn't always pure. Even if I already I know this, it still annoyed me.

Then I roll over away from the window that frames that perfect snow to face the clock instead. Twelve more minutes until the morning, just a little longer left to lie here alone. Soon I would be allowed to join the others for breakfast.

A finger curled within my impure white locks of string as I joined the rest of the peaceful sleepers in the world but only I would be trapped in nightmares.

- + -

"AHH!!!" My eyes shot open instantly. Just like the other nights past, I awoke to my own screaming. "MELLO!!!" I cried out with much struggle, my voice cracking, to the seemingly empty white room but something was different. A dark figure was positioned at my desk and as I sobbed Mello's name he appeared before my bed.

"Shh…" comforted the blonde Mello. "It's okay, Near." His hand went to bring my head into his chest. "I'm here… it's all right, Near…"

Feeling a little better, but still upset, I feared he would disappear, so I grabbed on to his hair and curled his blonde locks to make sure he would stay.

"Don't worry, I'm here, Near." His lips were brought down to the top of my head with a small kiss and stayed.

"Mello…" I sighed and twirled his hair between my fingers; this motion always calmed me when I needed it most, reassuring me in some way.

After some time had passed, Mello pulled back. I was resistant to let him go, my eyes wide with worry, but he smiled and kissed my cheeks with reassurance. "I'm staying," stated Mello. "It's all right, Near." Then he kissed my lips and brought me back down to the sheets.

"Nnn…" moaned I as he held me lovingly, his tongue dancing with mine and my fingers still entwined within his hair.

His freezing fingers touched my chest and sent chills through my spine; he must have been there for quite some time. Then his tongue left mine slowly, leaving a glistening thin trail of saliva between our mouths. Our panting was the same, as was our heart beats. Then his lips moved down to my nipples after wiping the spit away and his tongue worked to tease them slowly, biting them every now and then.

"Ahn…" I moaned as he started to move his hand down to my lower area; I remembered his touch from last time.

As his hand went down, stroked my lower region and then went down farther. _'What is Mello doing?'_ I wondered as he went from my penis to something else. Then when I felt his finger, I completely understood, my eyes growing wide. "Nn… no, Mello!" I cried as the pain went through me.

"Shh… relax, Near. It will feel better soon, I promise." And then his tongue went down to what laid between my hole he was playing with and my naval.

I did what I was told and as the time went by, three fingers had fit into me and the pain had subsided somehow; I began to feel more pleasure than last time we were together. "Nnn…. Me- Mello…"

From my voice he looked up at me from my excited member and smiled after pulling up from it. Then he moved so my legs were spread and my pants were off, as were his. I wanted to see more and decided to pull on his shirt, a signal before starting, and then all of our clothes were on the ground.

I could feel him edge slowly into my lowest area that was meant to be private, his member just beginning to go in. "Agh.." I clenched my teeth tight and clung to his back, it was worse than his fingers.

"Urgh… Relax, Near." Commanded Mello and I did as I was told.

It started out as the most painful thing but after I had gotten used to it, I felt more pleasure than the fingers and he began to pick up speed. As he moved out a little I whined a little and he slammed right back into me, causing my voice to erupt in the greatest emotion ever; ecstasy.

"Maaa…. ! Mello!" My head shot backward and my eyes felt like they would close and I would release at any second. "Ha- Harder!" I cried as I felt lost and all emotions swept out from me into the form of something white and threatening in it's impurity to crush what lay outside.

This was what really mattered; love.

- + -

The next morning after my shower I left my empty room, clean as ever. My stomach growled, signaling it was time to eat.

So I entered the cafeteria, picked up a disgusting bowl of Something-Oats and sat at the same table where I had watched two boys play in the snow a few days ago, I wondered if they would be back outside today. Instead of eating my breakfast timely like everyone else, I rushed to devour it, needing both the strength and extra time left of the morning for something else. Breakfast wasn't as important as a certain blonde he knew only too well.

-End?-

- + ~ * ~ + -

Yay! I decided to continue it and leave a cliff-hanger. Ha! Take that! Now you'll have to review! Lol

I'm not sure if I'm going to leave it here or not, it all depends on requests like the last one. ^^

_**My thoughts on this story:**  
_I'm thinking of writing a remake with Mello's POV while still continuing this one. I think it would be fun to get inside his head for a change, but it will also be terribly difficult in my opinion. ^^'  
So what do you think? Should I make a remake and another continuation to Near's story too? All depends on you. :)

_**Random:**_  
I just watched Episode 29! ^o^ I shall never forget -actually, I probably will- Mello's real name, Mihael Keehl (May-hee-ll Kay-ll) 3 ^o^  
(Yeah, I favor Mello, WHAT NOW?! lol! My little sister likes Near. Mello freaks her out a little. :b)


	3. A desire for Master

Title: Pure as Snow: A desire for Emotions  
Third Part: "A desire for Master"  
A Death Note Doujinshi Oneshot  
Main Pairing: Mello x Near  
Side Parings: MxM & MxN

_**Disclaimer:**_ _In no way will I ever be able to own Death Note or Death Note's content. If I did, there'd be no tomorrow. x)_

_**Warning:**__This fanfic is rated_M_for mature audiences._

Yaoi_is coming ahead, meaning_guys with guys_. If you do not want to read about_

_male x male relationships,__read no further__!_I cannot stress this fact enough.

I shall have you know, once again, that this is in fact,_yaoi._

Now here's my first yaoi oneshot for those who have read the above and are still here!  
^o^

- + -

**Part Three: "A desire for Master"**

Downtown; August 1st, 9:14 AM

Matt's POV

Right now, I am not alone. Mello and I are somewhere downtown looking for something that Mello himself wants and commanded me to follow along with, although I have no idea what this is about but still, I shall follow. He is my everything, even if I might not be his, but as long as I get the pleasure of his presence and 'beneficial' status, I'm happy. Maybe today he wants his release but that wouldn't make any sense because we always do that in the dorms. So what else is he looking for? Something illegal or expensive? Something dangerous or corrupt? A bathroom? Nah, that's just me. Since he was in such a rush to leave Wammy's house I didn't have the time. In fact, the bathroom was where I was headed right before he told me to come with him downtown. Oh, well, anything for my Mello.

"There!" spoke Mello as he pointed out a small shop next to the edge of the street. "We need to get something there." Then within a few strides we entered the building; it was full of toys.

Confused, I looked around the store before looking back at Mello again. "Why do you need something from here?" I asked, still quite perplexed on what Mello's business would be in this place.

Then, for some strange reason, Mello smiled warmly, something he would never do in the public eye. "August fourth* is coming up, you know? I don't want to show up empty handed." Explained Mello while still not explaining in terms I could understand well enough from what I currently know.

'_Why would Mello need to show up with something new on August fourth? What's happening then?'_ I wondered to myself as I looked at the video game section for a new console or fighter game while Mello searched through the boxed toys stacked on some shelf next to the remote-controlled trucks.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a man who looked to be a shopping assistant who walked up to Mello with a regular, "Can I help you?" as Mello scavenged through the numerous toys.

To my surprise, Mello actually answered with a, "Yea." rather than his casual, 'fuck off.' "Do you have anything white that's also… um… cuddly like a rabbit or something?" Then he blushed and looked at the floor. "It's for someone special." He muttered.

My eyes widened hugely. _'Mello has someone special? Someone he hasn't told me about who likes… cuddly stuff?? That's so… fucking weird.'_ I tried hiding my shock away from Mello as he blushed a little at the floor from the question he asked the store keep.

The man smiled and nodded slightly. "Yes, we have quite a bit of stuffed animals, although not so much white one's as there is pink and blue. Would you like to take a look?"

Mello nodded and was pointed into the direction of the numerous plushies by the shop keep and scowled a little at the ground as I watched his ears turn from pink to red behind his blond hair. "Thanks…" he muttered quietly, nearly soundless, to the old man.

"No problem! If you can't find what you're looking for there, we might have more of a selection of those dolls in the back, so please don't hesitate to ask for them." With that, he smiled and went behind the counter as Mello searched through the countless toys.

'_This is so strange… This isn't like Mello at all! Who the hell turned him into this lovey-dovey dumbass so easily?'_ As I pondered these thoughts I noticed that as Mello looked at the toys with seeming-to-be embarrassment, behind his eyes laid a different type of Mello. His hidden expression was warm and doting parent-like, a peculiar change for him indeed. _'How very weird... I wonder what type of person could cause someone like him to act like this.'_

Meanwhile, at an orphanage founded by Watari which was known as Wammy's House, an albino sat in a large room with his toys and played with a gundam that looked like it had been taken straight out of the box. Silently, he minded his own business on the outside, but inside he wondered where exactly a certain tormenting blonde was now. This pale child had noticed quite a while ago that the hot-headed blonde had been no where to be seen in Wammy's House since Morning when he had his disgusting breakfast.

'_Matt isn't here either…'_ pondered Near. _'Could… Could he have-?'_ Right then a worried feeling went through Near but in no way was it shown on his face. _'No, Mello isn't like that. He and Matt are merely the best or friends but they wouldn't be getting into those things the Mello had showed me. That type of tenderness couldn't possibly be given to Matt; it just is not probable for someone such as Mello.'_ With that last though Near let a small smile cross his face in contentment. _'There is just no way.'_

In a huge hidden amount of bliss at his own winning thoughts of a silent competition against a certain red-head, Near proceeded to dig out a small toy that was all but white. It was a crude-looking doll that had yellow hair and menacing, blue eyes. Near loved to carry it around with him wherever he went because of the small likeness it possessed with his favorite quick-to-anger blonde, Mello.

He couldn't imagine a world or a time when Mello wouldn't exist somewhere near Near (ignore the small pun). Whether it was just to be watched by him or feel his fury pulsing through his veins and to see his temples jump and jump as his anger grew just by looking at his arch rival, Near was secretly happy. It didn't matter to him if Mello was rude or mean to him as long as he gave him his attention and only to him, although he didn't want Mello to realize just how possessive he truly was.

Then back downtown at the end of some street was a small toy store called Mondo Toys where a red-head named Matt watched a tan blonde who went by the name of Mello look through countless stuffed animals.

As I decided to confront Mello about whom this special person could be and why he needed a white stuffed toy before August 4th, I sucked in a deep breath and released all the air out of my lungs. Within a few strides I stood right behind my blonde, my Mello, and tapped him gently on the shoulder. "So who's this lucky person?" I tried a smile and succeeded although jealousy filled me almost completely to the brim.

"Shut up," finally the Mello I knew only to well returned to himself. "It's none of your business." But because he was himself again there was a barrier that surrounded him and his secret for protection.

Again, I smiled and jeered at him. "C'mon~" I pleaded, "Just this once!" I put my arms around him and nuzzled the small curve between his head and collar bone. "Oh, please, dear Mello?" I threw butterfly kisses on his neck with my lips lightly since my eyes were covered by goggles.

Mello smiled a little, giving him some warmth, but still held tight and firm to his secret, special person. "No, Matt," declined he. "I can't tell anyone, and it's not that important anyway, so forget about it, okay?" I felt his hand reach my hair and muss it a little before pushed away my head and sunk down to the bottom shelf of animals.

With my arms around my torso crossed I put out my lower lip into a pout cutely. "Hmph!" Then I turned my head away and up towards the store's ceiling. "Fine, don't tell me!" I spoke to him but still I was faced away with a shred of hope that he would feel a twinge of guilt and sorry for me.

But he showed no sign of being either of what I had wanted. Instead, he sighed and rolled his eyes at me then went back to searching for the perfect white toy. "Throwing a fit won't do you any good, Matt. I'm not telling," he concluded. Then he picked up a small white rabbit with a smile and a warm look on his face to match with his lovely smile. "This is the one."

In defeat, I followed him to the register and he paid the man behind the counter for the overpriced dumb white, toy rabbit.

"Would you like this gift wrapped, young man?" asked the cashier. "I could do it quick and add on a bow to make it perfect for your special one if you'd like. Your pick for it's wrappings."

Mello move his mouth into a frown as if to wonder if he should have the man wrap it here or if he should do so at Wammy's. "Better do it here, much thanks," responded Mello to the old man. "Can you give it a white bow and ribbon with a pale blue paper?"

The man behind the counter smiled back and answered, "Of course I can! So might I ask for the occasion?"

Again, Mello thought hard before answering the kind, old man. "Hmm… No, I'd rather not say."

I guessed Mello didn't want to answer to the old man because I was right next to him and would probably check back at Wammy's or figure it out easily on my own. After all, I'm the third smartest child in Wammy's house; I'm not stupid.

With one last smile the old employee behind the register quickly went and wrapped the gift in a box and just as Mello had asked for, pale blue wrapping paper with a white ribbon and topped delicately with a white bow. Then he returned and placed the box inside a medium sized bag before handing it back to Mello. "Have a nice day!"

Mello smiled back kindly and nodded before leaving with me on his heels like always. Still, he wouldn't say who it was for or why he needed it so much. Did it really matter that much to Mello? Why was this such a glorious occasion to him? What was so special about this person that he needed to get a present… '_Wait… it must be someone's birthday on the fourth but whose is it?'_

Before I knew it, thinking all of this had taken the same amount of time it had taken to arrive right in front of the building for orphans known as Wammy's. _'I'll just ask Roger for who has a birthday on the fourth. That'll put an ed to the mystery.'_

As I took each step with Mello down the path to the front door, I felt butterflies growing in my stomach. Now I could finally figure out who was so special to Mello and all my worries will be diminished into thin air. No one would be able to take Mello away from me, I didn't own him, but he owned me. He was my master, my savior, a true born leader to me. Mello isn't the type to throw his possessions away and no one could convince them otherwise… could they? I'd rather not say.

When we made it to the front my feet felt heavy and my tongue went slack in my mouth. I was beginning to doubt my decision to confront Roger because of that slight chance that by doing so I might lose Mello forever. _If I waited this out, Mello's fascination with this other person, would they grow apart and tire of each other, or would that happen to us instead?_ I wondered to myself as I opened the door for Mello then walked in myself.

Surprisingly I didn't notice that Mello was trying to get my attention when we were inside until I met his fist into my chest painfully. "Ugh!" I felt my gut turn, Mello might seem feminine but he was all but that. He was strong and knew exactly where to punch although he wasn't butch or stupid.

"Listen to me when I'm speaking!" scolded Mello for my failure at being a better listener. His blue eyes burned with a red blaze that could only be his.

At his scolding I always looked at the ground sadly, even now I did so and apologized which always made Mello smile; he liked being the dominate one. "I wasn't paying attention. I will this time though." Then I looked up into his eyes and grinned. "What did you want to tell me?" I asked excitedly to my master.

Mello nodded once with a smirk for his victory at feeling like he was the alpha male between us. "As I was saying…" began Mello from his earlier one-sided conversation. "I won't be able to hang out with you tomorrow at all, I have to study again." He explained. It seemed like that's all he did now. "So don't wait up for me, got that, Matt?"

I nodded sadly in response. "Yes…" then an idea struck me, "What if I help you study, Mello?" I asked with some excitement, maybe more than necessary but I couldn't help it, being with Mello always made my day. "It would make it less boring and possibly easier to have someone to help if you need-"

But Mello didn't let me continue. "NO!" He shouted. "I- I can do it by myself, STUPID!" Then he stormed off angrily.

Disappointment crossed me at such a response but it was Mello after all… I just had to deal with it because someone like him never changes. That's when I remembered that I could go and ask Roger who has a birthday on the fourth. So I decided to walk up to Roger's office and find out; I had nothing better to do anyway.

Right in front of Roger's door to his office, I stopped. Someone had been following me and it made me incredibly uneasy. They were to the right near the corner of the hall; their shadow was easily exposed so I guessed they were not very intelligent in the arts of a spy.

To figure out who it was I quietly slinked over to their shadow without my own shadow appearing on the wall too. When I got close enough I turned around the corner quickly enough to see who it was. "Hah!" I yelled out victoriously. "Linda!" I shouted at the small girl who was scared as hell.

"M- Matt! I- I didn't mean to!" She stumbled over her words as she spoke, her face turned red, and she looked at her fingers as she played with them nervously.

"Just leave." I told her bluntly. "I need to ask something to Roger in private."

"What is it?" She asked curiously.

"Nothing of your concern!" I yelled at her with a flush of the cheeks.

"Oooo~" She crooned. "Someone's embarrassed! Could it be about puberty? Or maybe Melloooo~~" She smiled happily and poked me in the guy teasingly before spinning back on her heel to walk away. "Oh, well~" Before she took another step, she turned her head back and put her index finger to her lips with a wink. "Of course I won't tell~" With a happy smile on her face, a giggle with her voice, and a skip down the hall, she was finally gone.

So I turned back without another word to her or to call back and walked back to Roger's office. With a huge breath I released it and put my hand on the knob, slowly turning until it couldn't turn anymore and pushed it open. "Roger," I spoke to the old man. "I have a question."

-End?-

- + ~ * ~ + -

* In case you didn't know, Nate River, or Near, was born on August fourth 1991 in the manga and 1994 (my birth year) in the anime. In his first appearance he was 13 and his last was when he was 19 at the SPK. (REF. Wikipedia)

An interesting Near fact from Wikipedia:  
"The given name "Nate" comes from the word "natural" and "River" is to symbolize that Near's talents flow from L. Therefore Near is the natural successor to L. The name is "supposed" to show that Near is a "natural genius blessed from above." The nickname Near is composed of the first and last letters of Nate River, then swapped around to make a recognizable word."

Uwah~ o Jun is so happy that she's speaking (or typing, whatever) in third-person! ^o^ I love your reviews, even if there are few :( My favorite one so far is from kornpop:  
"YOU'D BETTER NOT LEAVE IT THERE!  
I mean, seriously, you can't just end it with such a cliffhanger! IT's just to cruel...Especially after I was just getting excited about this story."  
Bwahaha! Take that! I left another cliffhanger! Aren't I evil? x)  
Maybe I should update Pure White Games soon… lol I'm like, on the second page with 783 words… That's just sad. xb


	4. A desire to be Meaningful 1

**Title**: Pure as Snow: A desire for Emotions  
**Fourth Part**: "A desire to be Meaningful #1"  
A Death Note Doujinshi Oneshot  
**Main Pairing**: Mello x Near  
**Side Parings**: MxM & MxN

_**Disclaimer:**_ _In no way will I ever be able to own Death Note or Death Note's content. If I did, there'd be dirty Mello and Near yaoi scenes! x)_

_**Warning:**__This fanfic is rated_M_for mature audiences._

Yaoi_is coming ahead, meaning_guys with guys_. If you do not want to read about_

_male x male relationships,__read no further__!_I cannot stress this fact enough.

I shall have you know, once again, that this is in fact,_yaoi._

Now here's my first yaoi oneshot for those who have read the above and are still here!  
^o^

- + -

NOTICE: Sorry for the mistake, thanks to Tsukiyo. Near's birthday really is August twenty-fourth; I made a slight mistake so now the date in the story is slightly altered but it's still the same date as Matt and Mello had gone to the store. ^^;

**Part Three: "A desire to be Meaningful #1"**

Wammy's; August 21st, 12:48 PM

Near's POV

When we, Roger and I, heard the doorknob click from someone turning on the other side of the door both of us turned to look at who was to enter the office room. Turns out it was Mello's red-headed friend, Matt. He came in and spoke as he did with the door closing behind him with uncertainty in his voice and composure.

"Roger," he paused for a moment and continued with a little more confidence. "I have a question." Then he noticed that Roger wasn't alone; I was standing in front of Roger's desk with my torso facing Roger while I twirled a lock of white hair.

For some reason there seemed to be a sudden look in his eyes of realization once he looked down at the white bear that I held with my free hand. The small toy had come from Roger as an early birthday present since he wasn't going to be here on August 24th. Anyway, Matt and Mello were the best of friends and constantly together, you rarely saw one of them without the other, until recently that is… Mello had come to see me recently a lot so I doubt that he and Matt had spent much time together.

"Yes, Matt?" answered Roger with an ignorance of the expression in Matt's eyes. I was glad he had spoke up because this silence was beginning to give the room an unsettling, musty feeling that I didn't quite like. "What are you in need of?" He asked when Matt didn't respond and gave Matt his regular smile that he always gives to us orphans. In a way it was highly professional rather than friendly.

Matt blushed at his own intense stare that had been upon me and played with his fingers while looking downward at the floor. "Umm… May I speak to you in private?" muttered the embarrassed red-head. I kind of wondered what he wanted to ask.

I looked to Roger who nodded and told me, "Near, would you mind waiting outside and continuing this topic after Matt's question for me?" Again, he had that pathetic smile that was only for us who were younger without parents; it looked like pity more than anything else. Maybe he thought of us as being incredibly young since he is so old.

But still, I nodded. "Of course, Roger." I showed no hint of any emotion and I truly didn't quite feel much anyway. Next, I walked out the door, slowly closing it behind me. I decided since they would probably be talking for quite some time that I would sit down next to the door and wait, so I did. My new bear was in my lap and my finger played with its fur, it was so soft.

After about a minute or two later of petting the bear and curling a strand of my own hair, I heard someone's footsteps coming down the hall in my direction from the right. So I looked to see who it was and after the person got closer and closer I could see more of their features. It was a blonde male with piercing blue eyes and his hands were in his dark brown pockets. His blonde hair covered his blue orbs half-way and he smirked when he saw me, definitely Mello.

I felt a shiver go up and down my spine when I thought is name, just him being there made me happy and my cheeks turned red. So with my cheeks of red powder, I looked away and fiddled with my doll nervously which caused him to chuckle at my actions. Within a few strides he was in front of me with chocolate in his mouth and he broke off a piece viciously like a carnivorous creature.

Then he squatted down to my eye level and said, "Near," with chocolate between his teeth. "C'mere!" commanded Mello with a hand motion that beckoned me closer.

So I came closer and closer until he stopped his hand motion which left about two or three centimeters of space in between us. "Yes, Mello?" whispered I; I thought we were too close together to speak above a whisper. I was a little shy because I already knew what he was up to and wanted him to go faster, but I could wait. I always wait; even now I'm waiting for Matt to hurry up with his question for Roger.

With a seductive smirk Mello grabbed the back of my head and pulled me into a wet kiss, passing the chocolate into my mouth. In response to his movements my hands lost grip on the bear and my strand of hair to his locks of yellow. Both of us were holding onto each other by the back of our heads and we constantly moved to match each other. His tongue played with mine and the chocolate that lay in-between our lips just like the 'Pocky Game.'

But we didn't move very much farther, it would definitely kill this addictive yet dangerous game we played with each other: who would last longer? I felt Mello's groin grind against my smaller one as he kissed me even more forceful than when we had begun.

Finally, our lips departed to catch our breath then when we both had what seemed to be enough oxygen, I nearly tackled him in a giant French-kiss. It caught Mello off-guard but soon enough he pushed me against the wall and played with my tongue while grinding against my member underneath my pants once again. Both of us had an erection just from out kisses and touches, but we still didn't give in to temptation. This was way more fun.

"Mm…" a moan escaped my lips as we kissed each other deeper and deeper, tongues searching each other's mouths and exploring new pleasurable twists and turns. If we had just rushed like the times before it wouldn't have been this stimulating with just our kisses.

That's when an interruption occurred: the office doorknob had turned, releasing a squeak. Both of us gasped in horror and straightened ourselves out. Then Mello stood up quickly, almost falling over. I couldn't help but smile at him, doing my best to hold in my laughter just like that one cold snowy day I had seen him and his friend outside.

After what felt like hours of embarrassment but was in reality only about a few milliseconds, out came the doorknob-turner, Mello's best friend, Matt. When I saw his face my eyes would have gone wide if I wasn't used to not expressing emotion, sadly, Mello always let his overflow. His cheeks were a bright red and his eyes nearly flew out of blonde head.

"M- Matt?!" stuttered Mello. He never had enough control over himself. "W- What are you doing here?" Then out came a nervous laugh.

Matt looked to me and then back at Mello, his most likely thought was: 'what the hell have they been doing?' '_Yes, that's probably it. If only Mello wasn't so expressive Matt would have never guessed... Did he even know at this moment? Would he even understand all of this?'_ I wish I would have known…

Matt's lips tightened and clenched together. "Mello," he began, and then looked over to me. "What the hell have you done?" His voice would have been a scream if Roger's door had not been open ajar. "You," he looked back at Mello. "Why?" With a small quiver from his mouth I knew I was right.

'_He knows…'_

"Why?" He repeated when Mello gave no answer. "Why?" It looked like tears could fall from his eyes at any moment, draining all his emotions out into a huge puddle, but for the moment they stayed put. "I thought…" Then something changed, he was no longer upset, but instead he seemed to have lost himself in a deep, deep thought.

"Matt," Mello sighed as he tried to reassure his friend. "Near is nothing to me."

When I heard Mello's words first leave his mouth, that I am nothing, my heart nearly dropped. Just when I thought I had almost gained some emotion, I truly went ice cold, which is exactly how I acted now and responded just the same.

Slowly, I nodded in agreement with his words. "Yes," said I. "Mello and myself are nothing. We are not a pair, we are not lovers, and we are not and never were friends. To me, it is the same. Mello means…" but I couldn't say it, I let the sentence travel off into space.

Then with just a fluid, yet rough, movement, I stood on my own two feet and proceeded to walk away from both the red-head and the blonde that I meant nothing to. Just like before, I mean nothing. I am nothing. To everyone else, all I am to them is 'number one,' someone to honor, to hate, and to compete against, but me as myself meant nothing and was nothing to anyone. No one cares for an emotionless boy.

Finally, I stood in front of my bedroom door with a heavy feeling on my shoulders that I couldn't seem to shake off but eventually it too, will fade to white perfection.

Perfection is said to be in the eye of the beholder, such as beauty, for example. To me 'perfection,' is a blank, clean slate, it is a mask of white, it is what people strive to be, and it holds no humanity. It does not carry around useless and obnoxious emotions, nor does it will itself to think outside of logical explanations.

Most of all, this 'perfection,' that everyone wants to have, to be a virgin to everything that is not completely perfect, is what I have become. Although it is not me… for I am human, or so I claim to be by scientific findings and classifications.

In order to have perfection, you must be nothing, to be clean, a virgin of every speck of life, and that I could never become, but I can play the part of 'perfection.' To be in this life, I am that example of perfection. I will be perfection and it will never break my hold on what is true because logical answers always are true, they are, in fact, 'perfection.'

This is why I look the way I do, blank as a slate, white as snow. I must be snow, I must be perfection. If I am not, what am I then? So to end all this nonsense and get on with my life, I come to this conclusion that in order to live, to survive, I must have no emotion.

'_Yes, that's the answer. Perfetion is so simple and easy, I have been until I stumbled on one feeling. Why in the world had I wanted to earn those useless emotions? They get in the way of everything! My proof is Mello… Mello… he is- No! Shut up!'_

My hands met with my cheeks, "no…" I mumbled. "No…" Then his blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and smooth face entered through my mind, his smirk especially. "He is the enemy," I whispered to myself as I walked inside my room and locked the door behind me. "He is the opposite of perfection, the polar opposite of me. I must not fall to such irrational behavior such as his."

With that being said, a lie to myself, I hopped into bed and fell asleep. As I dreamed, what would have been a wonderful dream was to be seen before me.

The colors were vibrant everywhere I looked, it appeared to be a room with a bunk bed and a few things sprawled here and there. I had been lead into that room by a boy with a brilliant shade of blonde for hair and intense blue eyes. Somehow, I knew who he was; this was my Mello of before, my Mello in times of what seemed to be love and lust.

In this place, I could be imperfect; this is where I could truly live, right? No… it does not exist. This will all just fade…

And so it did. The colors began to dull and my Mello turned into the other Mello, the rival, the red-head's friend of choice. He was no longer who I had wished for, but he had become something to me although I was nothing. In fact, as the colors faded to a pitch-black darkness, he passed right through me as if I was really nothing at all. This simple metaphor was right, I am nothing to him so it is only logical that he would not see or feel my presence.

- + -

When I awoke, it was still dark out from what I could see through my bedroom window. The snow wasn't visible at all because of the dark sky of the night, nothing was. So I tried to fall back into my previous slumber, but after twelve or so minutes I realized I wasn't going to be able to. Then finally, with a groan, I arose and decided it was best to walk around and get rid of whatever it was that had been keeping me awake.

I tried not to trip as I placed one foot after the other through the darkness of my room, not even the moonlight helped shed some light into my path. Once I reached the door I slowly turned the knob so I wouldn't wake anyone up and crept into the dark hallway with only a faint glow of light from the small night-lights that were in almost every electric socket down all of Wammy's hallways. With another slow turn, I closed the door behind me and walked down the hall quietly.

Everyone was asleep of course, so I didn't have to worry about the other Wammy orphans acting like prison alarm sirens to yell out at Roger that I was sneaking around at this late hour way after curfew.

The dark hall of the orphanage with the small lights following me as I walked down the hall had somehow wrapped my entire body into a state of such wonderful calm feelings that I couldn't help but feel warm even though my toes were freezing. _'I wonder if Mello ever felt like this, or if he had ever done the same as I.'_

Placing one foot in front of the other was easy even without actually knowing what the destination was, and this continuing feeling of calm in one's own heart was just what I need every once in a while. Feeling so content and peaceful within my own skin at last, I decided to close my eyes while I walked. After all, I knew these simple halls well enough to walk in the dark without crashing into anything.

Now with my eyes closed I felt even more serene until I heard something or someone else farther down the hall which meant I had to open my eyes with much disappointment. I was relieved to find myself out of the illumination of the small lights on the walls, they wouldn't have seen me and I would not be in trouble, yet.

The figure walked closer and closer with each stride which caused my heart to pulse up to frightening levels of distress. This person seemed to be about my height, but he didn't slouch so he must look taller than I to other people.

As this person got closer and closer I willed whoever it was to stop, but they wouldn't and now they were right in front of me! I had to do something quick but it was a mystery as to what I was to do. _'Well, I could simply walk aside, kick them in the groin, hoping that it's a guy, or go 'boo!' in hopes that it'll frighten them off.'_ But it was too late now.

"Oof!" the figure let out tons of air right after bumping into me from almost knocking me over. Sadly, now I was in the light because of the force from our collision but alas, whoever this person was remained anonymous. It would have been much fairer if this person was in the light to but beggars can't be choosers. "Near?" the figure whispered in hushed surprise. "What are you doing up out here so late?" the person who had asked had an angry tone to match their harsh-sounding whispers. This was also the person I did not want to see most of all: Mello.

I looked down at my toes which I had curled underneath my feet and reached with my hand for a lock of hair to play with. I missed with the first grab but succeeded in the next while I came to the conclusion that it was best to stay silent and not speak a word. My reasoning was if I didn't speak he wouldn't pester me for an answer because of our current situation, and there was no point; he didn't care about me anyway.

"Near," Mello began once again, starting out like he was going to try to get me to come out with an answer for him, but then I guessed he realized I wasn't about to speak because then he said something else. "Come with me." It was definitely a command that I was afraid to follow in such a situation but he overpowered me with his forceful grip. "Now!" he whispered furiously as I was tugged along by him in the exact direction that I had come from.

There was only one obvious destination now: my room.

-End?-

. - + ~ ^ ~ + - .

No A/N this time…

-Jun-


	5. A desire to be Meaningful 2

**Title**: Pure as Snow: A desire for Emotions  
**Fourth Part**: "A desire to be Meaningful #2"  
A Death Note Doujinshi Oneshot  
**Main Pairing**: Mello x Near  
**Side Parings**: MxM & MxN

_**Disclaimer:**_ _In no way will I ever be able to own Death Note or Death Note's content. If I did, you're eyes would pop out of your head!_

_**Warning:**_ _This fanfic is rated_ M _for mature audiences._

Yaoi _is coming ahead, meaning_ guys with guys_. If you do not want to read about_

_male x male relationships,_ _read no further__!_ I cannot stress this fact enough.

I shall have you know, once again, that this is in fact, _yaoi._

Now here's my first yaoi oneshot for those who have read the above and are still here!  
^o^

- + -

NOTICE: Sorry for the mistake, thanks to Tsukiyo. Near's birthday really is August twenty-fourth; I made a slight mistake so now the date in the story is slightly altered but it's still the same date as Matt and Mello had gone to the store. ^^;

**Part Three: "A desire to be Meaningful #2"**

Wammy's; August 22nd, 2:24 AM

Near's POV

_Previously:_  
"_Near," Mello began once again, starting out like he was going to try to get me to come out with an answer for him, but then I guessed he realized I wasn't about to speak because then he said something else. "Come with me." It was definitely a command that I was afraid to follow in such a situation but he overpowered me with his forceful grip. "Now!" he whispered furiously as I was tugged along by him in the exact direction that I had come from. _

_There was only one obvious destination now: my room._

I tried speaking but it only came out as a stutter of his name, "M- Mello…" My cheeks started turning red but I was dead-afraid of what he might say next after his response to Matt's accusation about what we were doing and what we are earlier… Turns out even I had thought wrong.

At first, Mello didn't seem to notice that I had said his name, but then that thought was discarded when I heard him say underneath his breath, "So he speaks." The way it was spoken and how quiet he had said it definitely clarified who he was speaking to: himself.

I didn't really care that his words weren't meant for my ears, and for some reason I felt a little happy that his manner of speech wasn't one that sounded upset or disowning in any way whatsoever unlike before. Had he been my Mello in hiding from his best friend? I didn't know.

Once we reached my door from our short venture through the halls I realized Mello stopped suddenly and his eyes widened in horror. Confused and worried, I followed his gaze to figure out what he was staring at through the darkness; it was Matt.

Matt's POV  
Just as I had thought when I felt Mello's presence left our bedroom with such a sneaky manner and so quietly that if the room had not been deathly quiet I wouldn't have noticed that he had left otherwise. Now that I have finally seen these two together with their fingers interlocked, I can try to accept his decision. Although I still wonder why he had lied about his and Near's current relationship earlier in front of Roger's office, it is none of my business.

This is all of Mello's decisions and no matter what he does or how badly I get hurt, I will always stand by his side, even as a tear silently falls down my cheek.

"Mello…" is all I can say; I don't think I need to say anything else.

Mello's eyes stared on at me in shock. "Matt! It- it isn't what it looks like!" cried Mello, dropping Near's hand and stepping towards me with one step. "I swear!" With his peculiar delayed reaction behind him stood an emotionless Near. He never seemed to be effected by anything.

But then he sighed and began to speak, shocking both Mello and I. "Then what am I to you, Mello?" He looked tired, maybe stressed. "If this isn't what it looks like, then please explain, Mello. I don't quite understand you." As he spoke he didn't blink but he did pause once. "Do you like Matt, Mello?" This time he blinked.

His head bobbed down to the floor and blinked once behind his bangs with one foot towards me and the other slightly close to Near's. At first, I didn't think he would answer as he did. "I don't know…" muttered Mello. I might have a chance with him but he could never be mine, it wasn't right for me to think he could ever be or like me the way I did. I was happy enough with just being his shadow.

So now it was my turn to let out a heavy sigh, "Mello, you know as well as I do that we were never lovers." There was a chill to my tone that even I felt, "so don't try and make me feel better because I know, Mello, I know." Next, I took a short moment to swallow the saliva that had built up in my throat. "The rabbit, Mello, I know." Mello would know the meaning of the rabbit, and hopefully this white-haired genius would be able to understand the other simple message: he had Mello and I did not.

'_Maybe I could have had Mello, but I'd rather just be his silent shadow, his follower. And now that he has chosen Near, I realize that Mello no longer has a place inside of him where I could give him happiness and he deserves his happiness, fore he is the most important person in the world to me.'_ With those thoughts I smiled sadly in defeat at the couple before me and swallowed hard before I took a step to leave and then another. He didn't stop me and I didn't expect him to.

Near's POV  
As I watched Matt's hunched form leave in the direction we had just come from, I felt a little sad for him as his shoulder almost knocked mine because he had obviously misunderstood us. To Mello, I am still meaningless, nothing, he wouldn't like me the way Matt had thought he did and I knew this fact only too well.

"Mello," I whispered quietly to his back once Matt had disappeared. "Why didn't you tell him again that I mean nothing to you?" One hand of mine reached to grab at a strand of curly white to twist and turn between my fingers for comfort. I would need all the comfort I could get just to understand his words.

But Mello stayed put with an unusual silence. His feet came together but he didn't turn to face me and his head still faced the floor a little. Then he grabbed at his back pocket and pulled out a chocolate bar and pulled back its foil wrapping before chewing the tasty, sweet treat.

"Mello," I repeated. "Why didn't you-"

"Augh! Shut up!" He yelled, surprisingly no one awoke. His feet twisted and his chocolate dropped as he grabbed me by the shoulders forcibly. "Don't you understand?" hissed Mello. At my silence he sighed and dropped my shoulders to retrieve his chocolate from the floor and turned around away from me. "Of course not," he muttered. "Nothing but academics matters to you." Then he strode away from my room and me, leaving me completely cold.

I didn't realize that I had started crying, nor did I understand what Mello had so desperately wanted me to. Of course I wouldn't understand him; I needed things to be clearly explained to me to be able to understand such emotions that Mello, Matt, and everyone else feels. In the logic of feeling I'm as stupid as a carefree newborn.

After moments of such grave shock that I felt I wondered to myself and spoke aloud without meaning to. "Had I been wrong in my actions, Mello?" I whispered to no one before I fell to the floor with shaking sobs that followed after. "M- Mello…." I cried out to the hard, cold, unforgiving floor. He would never be 'my Mello' again.

- + -

When I woke up, I was back in my bed with tear-stained cheeks and pale pajamas while wrapped cozily in my soft white blanket. As I yawned sleepily I couldn't help but look outside to see if that mocking snow was still laughing at me through the window, and to my great amazement, it was gone! I was even more shocked at myself because I didn't even acknowledge such a change that had happened right in front of me.

I almost smiled but then remembered the Mello and Matt event from last night which allowed sadness to overthrow the warm blanket. "Mello…" whispered I to the white walls of my empty room. Once again I was reminded that he had left me all alone and it had been my own fault for being so slow. Yet, I still didn't understand what he had wanted me to so badly. If only I could understand, things would be different right now, at least that's what I'd like to believe.

Then with a groggy turn I hopped out of bed as best as I could and got ready for the day. First, I dragged my feet outside my room and headed for the public bathroom instead of my private one because I was that desperate to be in someone else's presence, and I secretly prayed to god that Mello would be there at this time.

Sure enough, Mello was a little ahead of me in the hallway and heading towards this hall's bathroom for either a shower or the toilet. His hair didn't stick up in any way from sleeping and he went barefoot in boxers with a black long-sleeved shirt that hung from his torso loosely and looked just like the one he had worn last night. Maybe there was a god somewhere after all.

As I watched him walk down the hall pantless thoughts began to enter my head, impure thoughts. In response, I felt a blush creep across my face, and I instinctively grabbed for a strand of hair to twirl. Being this close to Mello and not being able to say a word was usually how the game went before, but this was different, my heart felt like it crawled up into my throat so I could hardly breathe and my palms were sweatier than ever before. From my peculiar discomfortable reaction to him I guess it could only mean one thing, emotion. Was this the thing regular, everyday people called _'heart ache?'_

He didn't realize I was there at all after I followed him into the bathroom with the rest of Wammy's orphans, nor did he realize I was watching everything he did as he slipped off his boxers. Next came off his shirt then he slid behind a curtain where a shower head began to sprout water into the stall.

With a little embarrassment, that probably didn't even show in my expression or actions, I unbuttoned my shirt first then pulled off my pants. I walked over to the shower next to Mello's and pulled back the curtain as I stepped in and turned on the warm water. At Wammy's house the water in the showers never seemed to grow cold and always pulsed out enough water to where it didn't pelt against your skin roughly.

Then suddenly a hand rushed into my stall through the curtain and pulled me through. I shrieked and tried to pull back but it proved to no use, this person was too strong for me. So I decided to face my captor in the eyes and saw his dripping wet blonde hair that hid his annoyed piercing blue eyes.

Even more embarrassed than before, I looked down and tried covering myself with my hands but my embarrassment only grew at seeing his wet member between his legs below his stomach. For some odd reason I had a strong desire to stroke his stomach all the way down to his groin and then feel how much his manhood would stiffen. Am I really such a pervert? Maybe I would become possessed somehow for thinking such a thing.

So I looked back up cautiously with my face redder than ever and saw a huge smirk stretch Mello's face that made my member grow a little harder.

"Morning wood or just happy to see me?" He asked with a laugh that rang pleasantly in my ears just like a refreshing new day. Then he changed the subject from my member to something else I didn't quite want to answer or know myself. "So how come you were following me?" asked he with a curious eye.

I looked at the intensity in his blue eyes that thirsted for an answer to something else: my feelings and understanding of him. His lips turned from a smirk to a more serious expression after a few seconds of silence. Normally I would have just kept quiet, thinking it wasn't important enough to answer, but this time he really needed one, and I didn't want to upset him like before. So I thought for a moment, really hard, the silence becoming unsettling as the water pounded on our backs. Was it what I had noted before? Was the reason to follow because of this '_heart ache_'? Did I... _love_ Mello?

I cleared my throat before speaking to signal Mello that I was about to answer him. "I- I don't quite know myself." Disappointment shown clearly on his face and I began to panic from his reaction. "I- I don't know yet, but I really want to!" I added in haste with the thought in mind that Mello might leave me again.

He didn't seem to know quite what to say and just stared at me after a sigh. Now his silence became unsettling for me rather than the other way around. "Near..." he began, but he never continued, never told me what he had to say, and just left the showers and did what I feared most: abandoned me.

But this time was different, I couldn't let him leave, so I ran like hell while I fumbled to tie my towel around my waist. No matter what, I needed him and I couldn't let Mello go this time.

"Mello!" I yelled as loudly as I could which turned out making me sound like a frantic maniac and caught all of the orphans in the room's attention. "Mello!" I yelled out again when he wouldn't stop, not even to put on his clothes. Despair was hitting me hard, but I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, I didn't want to cry at all.

As I ran after him with my towel around my waist and Mello nearly out the door in a brisk jog-like walk I gained a little hope from getting closer and closer, soon I'd be right next to him. I didn't feel the need to call out to him anymore because he wouldn't care to turn around if I did, so instead I let my emotions engulf me and my adrenaline race through my veins with my heart pumping like mad.

Now I was only a few feet lagging, almost there, just almost, and then I was there, crashing right into his back and causing both of us to tumble to the ground.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" yelled Mello louder than ever before. "You think I'll care for you just because you want me to? Just because you're number one?" his voice was like venom and his hiss was far worse. "Well you're wrong... I FUCKING HATE YOU!" That's when his words hit me hard, turning me numb. Then he actually hit me hard, my whole face stinging with pain.

The last thing I saw was an enraged Mello that seemed to have slammed me into the ground, knocking the wind out of me, and a bright light. Maybe a better place laid just within that bright spectacular light, so I followed it down to somewhere else, hoping that my old Mello would be there, but that somewhere might have been far more dangerous than I had thought.

-End?-

. - + ~ ^ ~ + - .

Maybe I should stop calling this a oneshot since this is now the fifth part of the story… Yeah, I'll change that for the sixth one…  
Also, in case you didn't know, I have a poll on my profile for what I should write for my next story. I wrote some basic plots and you can choose up to two for a new story. ^^  
And for the one's who have read my first DN doujinshi, Pure White Games, I'm deeply sorry that it has been so long since I've last updated. I promise I'll work on it soon! T^T

-Jun-


	6. A desire for Understanding

**Title**: Pure as Snow: A desire for Emotions  
**Fourth Part**: "A desire for Understanding"  
A Death Note Doujinshi Oneshot  
**Main Pairing**: Mello x Near  
**Side Parings**: MxM & MxN

_**Disclaimer:**_ _In no way will I ever be able to own Death Note or Death Note's content. If I did, homophobes would be pissed! XD_

_**Warning:**_ _This fanfic is rated_ M _for mature audiences._

Yaoi _is coming ahead, meaning_ guys with guys_. If you do not want to read about_

_male x male relationships,_ _read no further__!_ I cannot stress this fact enough.

I shall have you know, once again, that this is in fact, _yaoi._

Now here's my first yaoi oneshot for those who have read the above and are still here!  
^o^

- + -

**Part Three: "A desire for Understanding"**

Wammy's; August 23rd, Unknown

Near's POV

A brilliant brightness surrounded me just as I moved into the light, closer and closer until I was blinded by its rays of pure white. Even though it appeared to be that everything was covered in white, it wasn't _really_ white, nor was it even a color. In actuality it was simply a reflection of possibly all the colors of everything which made it appear to be white. I couldn't help but feel a connection to it. Both of us were seen as nothing more than pure white when we're really not, rather we are a mere reflection of something much bigger, a something neither of us would ever come to know or understand completely. And if we could not understand ourselves...

Neither could anyone else.

Sadly, both the light and I would be constantly misunderstood because of the fact that we were unknown to even us. Since we could not understand ourselves it also meant we couldn't understand what we didn't already know of, something that someone may want us to know to the point of giving up and abandoning us entirely. But maybe that was all for the better.

Maybe we were meant to be unknown forever and always misconstrued as something far from what we are meant to be. Then we would fade to the background, since everyone has abandoned us, because they finally gave up... Gave up on finding who we really are, what we are, and the reasons for what we have always claimed to be. Maybe then those people would be happy with moving on and far away from us, never to wonder again what exactly we are, never again to be flustered by what we appeared to be, and never unhappy with the outcome of how we never understood them ever again.

Yes, that would be endless perfected serenity- for everyone but us.

Too bad both the light and I are to be bound to the truth that we are not exactly pure, in fact, we are so impure that we have the possibility of being real. _Are we real?_

Even as I continue to walk closer to this light with all these thoughts in my mind about what it really means to be misunderstood, misconstrued, and unknown to even us, I think to myself of Mello.

_'NEAR!'_

_Is that Mello? Is Mello real?_

He doesn't seem real to me with all of his imperfections and emotional outbursts of his pain, struggles, and superiority complex over me. He doesn't seem real of how much he has so much control over me when in the beginning I had thought that it was I who manipulated and controlled him. How foolish I really was. But then again, if this isn't reality that I stand upon now, and if this isn't really a white nothingness.

_What is _real _after all?_

'_God damn you, Near!' _

Ha. Just like always his crude choice of words brings a smile to what feels to be my face, and it... what is this? Pain? Yes, it is, and it hurts. Much to my disgust of using Mello's words, it hurts like hell! What is this?! I don't want this!

"WAKE THE HELL UP, DAMN IT!"

Then I'm back, rushing back, falling back at full speed, back to where I was before and keeling over with vomit.

"Urgh..." I moan with slime dripping from my lips. Yes, _this_ is reality, cold and hard as the floor I find myself laying down on, and I'm happy. Happy that I'm not alone, not the vomit.

"Near!" cries the blonde, Mello, right next to me with a tearful smile not fit for him. His arms wrap around me warmly which is all the comfort I could ever want. He doesn't even seem to notice the vomit dripping onto his body from my face that I'd rather not have.

In turn, I smiled and placed one arm around his waist comfortably even with people staring at both us sitting on the floor. Then reaching up to touch the middle of his back with my eyes closed in content, I felt complete.

Then Mello was sobbing like someone had just died and blubbering out my name. He sounded so upset that I frowned and rested my head on his shoulder, ignoring the awful substance that stuck to my mouth and his shoulder. "I- I'm sowry, Neaw! Gwad, ahm sho sowry! (I'm sorry, Near! God, I'm so sorry!)" Choking sobs followed his apologies when Roger came with Linda right behind his figure.

"What in gods name happened?!" screeched the head of this facility. His eyes accusing went to Mello's back. "Mello?!" He sounded a bit confused at our positions on the hallway's tile floor just as much as he appeared to be angry.

Mello turned his head, still keeping his arms in place, as a complete mess showed clearly on his face and sniffles came from his form. "I- I didn't do nothin'!" cried Mello, obviously lying, but who would accuse at crying boy at a time like this?

So Roger sighed and told Mello "I believe you, Mello. You won't be punished, nor disciplined for this." even though he clearly had his doubts and tried to get us to say what had happened. He asked everyone around but no one would tell, not even dear sweet honest Linda.

"I didn't see Mello do anything to Near," Linda told Roger. "All I saw was Near running after Mello to get his attention for something, I think..." Then she smiled warmly at Roger and put her hands behind her back in an innocent manner. "Yup! That's it!"

Then Roger turned towards me and cringed a little at my uncleanly appearance. "Are you sure Mello did nothing to you, Near?" His eyes looked worried and he probably knew, but of course he couldn't do anything to Mello unless someone confessed. "You won't get in trouble, Near. I promise both you and Mello won't get punished for this, just tell me the truth." he tried smiling but his eyes didn't match his lips.

I nodded back. "Nothing happened Roger," I lied as I curled a strand of my hair between my fingertips. "Everything is fine."

Mello nodded too and spoke, "I didn't do anything, see?"

roger looked at both of us in the eyes, seeming to come up with a solution to this, and sighed in submission. "All right, just go clean up."

- + -

Both of us only had a curtain in-between our two separate showers that Mello had pulled back to embrace me when the ones who had been in here were shooed out by Roger and then soon he followed them out as well. Roger was a little nervous and worried to leave us alone in the showers alone -probably imagining Mello do something hurtful and gruesome towards me- but it would have been strange if he had stayed.

Mello's eyes were a bright blue and his hair perfectly golden and straight with water drizzling over his head graciously. "God, I'm so sorry, Near. I'm sorry" Mello whispered while nuzzling my head.

I smiled into the soft skin of his neck and accepted his apology simply. "It's all right, Mello; I forgive you." The thought of my previous Mello came to mind and I hoped in my heart that he would never change to the bully he had become.

Then a mist of peaceful silence passed, which didn't feel the least bit heavy. The blonde in front of me seemed like he was holding back something and his body quivered with his strong emotions and desire to speak.

Mello broke the silence before I got a chance to ask what he wanted to say so badly. "Near?" he asked politely with a little bit of hesitance in his tone of voice. He seemed a little nervous and unsure of his words.

I pulled back a little from his body so I could look into his eyes and gain the ability to speak in response. "Yes?" My face didn't feel like it held any emotion which caused me to worry if that would break Mello's good mood, but it didn't. For once, he was able to ignore it although it must be difficult for him to do so and I regretted my emotionless facade once again.

Mello held onto my shoulders and looked straight back into my eyes with emotions dripping with his every word. "I- I want you to know..." he paused to see if I remembered and when I nodded he continued, "what I tried getting through to you before... that, that I..." he took a big breath of the steamy air around us before continuing again. "Near," he stuttered then blurted, "I- I love you! I- I couldn't stand you because... because I couldn't understand what you were hiding. It made me feel infuriated when I couldn't find it out, but now... "

He smiled warmly with understanding and finished with the words I had always wanted to hear from someone, the words that said it all, "I know."

Those two little words sent a shock that was something that even I couldn't conceal; I was happy as I would ever be in my entire life. To have him notice me, even when I didn't, sent a happiness throughout my whole being that I had never felt before. Never had I realized that he knew who I really was.

"I- I want it to be different. I'll try my best to keep my temper, Near. I don't want to hurt you again. I- I'll protect you, Near! I promise!" his words meant the world to me and for once, I felt like I was as light as feather, floating on air. Mello was my savior.

But had Mello always been like this? Yes, he has shown this side before even if it was always hidden from the eyes of others. I think once, long ago, Mello had been quite caring but somehow changed over the years; most children here did after being orphaned. Silently, I wished Mello would stay this way, but that's a fantasy. A fantasy I'm happy enough to believe.

After all, none of us really know who we are exactly, and we may never know, but I believe that someone in this world will understand us, no matter how long it may take or how difficult it may be... there's always someone... Someone who will desire for emotions, and one day,

They'll find it.

-End-

A/N: Yes. This is the end, the really, really end; sorry it's really really short. I'm glad that I wrote this fiction and it's far the best piece of writing I have ever written and typed as well as being my most popular story on . ^^

I was gonna tell about Near's birthday and all that but I decided this would be a good part to end it.

Thank you for your gracious reviews and I hope that you enjoy my other reads such as the remake to this story.


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